quirkies

Wrote this on Sunday night but LJ was being difficult.

I just got back from having dinner with my Wonderful Ex-Roommie. I got lost and was late and almost ran out of gas on the way back, but over all it fell in line with the theme of the day: perspective. I told the WxR that I'm planning on withdrawing from my classes tomorrow morning and there was no shock or pity or disappointment. We talked a little about what kind of job I might look for, and the boy she's dating and the roller derby western regional championship going on. We drank milkshakes. The world didn't end.
( And now a parable. No, really. )

My spoilerphobia (I still haven't seen last week's SPN) manifested itself in a dream last night that I walked in on the season 7 Supernatural series finale. My dream reaction to the scene was, predictably, Oh SamNDean! but my reaction to the spoiling involved much pouting and self-pity. Right now I have no recollection of the scene other than an image of Dean in that brown leather jacket.

I think my brain might have the habit of exaggerating things a wee bit.

Tonight things look pretty crappy in every direction. I know there are ways of looking at my life that are less pessimistic but it would take way too much effort to get myself to examine those points of view right now, and it would take more strength than I possess to get myself to believe any of it.
I'm not sure how to proceed. If I work to keep it together I'll continue to just put one foot in front of the other in this same foolish direction. If I don't, if I fall apart... I don't know what happens. I've done it before, but the benefit of experience is completely counteracted by the weight of 'I'm too old for this' and 'I should have learned my lessons before'. I want to be capable of keeping it together and with a little more effort manage to change course. It's what I want to believe but I don't thinks it's true. I don't know whether the problem is I'm not capable, or whether I'm keeping the wrong thing together, or just expecting a little effort to pay off when in reality it takes a lot more. Probably all of the above.

I have discovered Torchwood. (If Columbus can discover the blatantly pre-existing so can I.)
I'm watching Children of Earth and I can't look away from Captain Jack's watery blue gaze. *wibble*
There are worse fates.
I could, for example, be stubbornly looking at the same page of text for hours and getting nowhere. I'm about to begin a new semester of classes while dragging behind me several Incompletes from last term. I've had all the time in the world but have stubbornly stared at the same page of text for ever. Full disclosure? I've been watching BBC America while in the proximity of the same page of text. Stubbornly.

I don't have a good grasp on the magnitude of my stubbornness. It's not a word I usually use to describe myself but if I look back at the big picture I have to admit that a pig-headed inability to change course has driven me through life. It's gotten me into and out of all kinds of problems. Right now it is a big part of the problem. I have to change course. I have already changed course, I have a very different life than I did 2 years ago, but I didn't get here the way I wanted so I'm just going to sit here (a fixed point in space and time &hearts) and sulk.
It's not the most productive life choice (it is also, sadly, the only thing I have in common with Capt. Jack).

I'm sitting next to a farting dog right now. It's not exactly the best spot to be. The little dude got into the kitchen garbage yesterday (he works the lever with his wee scheming paw) and is having a gastric-ly interesting day. I'd move away but his warm fuzziness trumps his smelliness. For now...
I may need to open a window.
Most of my windows were open all summer but a few days ago I had to close them. I wrapped my nephew in 2 layers of blankets burrowed there into the hammock in my living room, before I gave up and closed the windows. I also made him hot chocolate so there's no need to feel bad for him.
A hammock and hot chocolate sound pretty good. A hammock and a mocha sounds even better.

I'm feeling a little more like myself than I had in a while. Not sure whether the key word there is feeling or myself. Sometimes I don't recognize me in all the blank days, like I could be anyone under the inertia. But it's still me.
I am careful to let the dog choose his favorite couch cushion of the day before I sit.
I sometimes sneak around turning off lights and plotting ways to reduce our use of electricity.
I cook unpredictably.
I do funny looking stretches to ease my back pain even in public.
I am most likely to pray while watering the plants.
I can't wait to see my bff.
I am disturbed by Hollywood romantic comedies and uplifted by Swedish dramas.
I occasionally think in math.
I am hoarding the last few eps of Pushing Daisies because it's not over until I watch it.
I haven't checked my voice mail since mid-March.
I rarely go a day without eating cheese.
I unconsciously hum a lot.
&hearts

My arms ache from yoga. Even some of the muscles I use for typing. Ugh! It's a good pain though, right? No pain, no pain gain? I'm such a wuss.
I'm also aging. ( Various health issues, some resolved, some not )

There was no new Dollhouse last night and I was really disappointed. I guess that means I like it now. It took a couple of weeks but Joss came through. ( Especially last week ) My only complaint is that I miss Cordelia and her 'moments' to deal with some of the outfits.

I met another Supernatural fangirl! In the flesh! I was at a local high school observing a class and before class began I noticed the girl sitting closest to me had a Supernatural book. I asked her if it was related to the show and her eyes gleamed behind her glasses when she realized I was a kindred spirit. She even referred to Kripke as 'Eric'! I managed to squee without saying anything too embarrassing. It was so much fun!

That was when the fun ended though and class began. I was observing a physics class being taught by someone I had already been told was having trouble passing the physics teacher exam. She was sweet and kind and enthusiastic and used a lot of good pedagogical techniques but she taught incorrect physics! And I'm not talking a few mistakes or forgetting to multiply by a factor of 9.8, this was Wrongness (ignoring acceleration entirely to find stopping distance) and it was at least the second day they were on the topic. I managed to keep quiet and tried to figure out how to broach the subject after class but she had a meeting and didn't have time to talk. Now I don't know what to do. I could offer to help her study for the next test but I kind of covet her job. I feel a little evil.

Aargh! I just realized something I thought started at 7 actually starts at 5 (in 4 minutes) and I'm nowhere near ready. Arght! Ciao.

I just saw the headline "Obama meets Queen" and pictured the band not the matriarch.

After catching up with Jon Stewart, I'm watching The West Wing's pilot episode. I haven't done much bonding with my DVR yet. That must be rectified. ( What I might find there. )

OK, earlier in this W Wing episode they used music to make a cute allusion to 10 Things I Hate About You. Now? They're doing that thing with the swelling music that's supposed to make me feel awe. I hate being manipulated/prompted by a musical score, it's one of my pet peeves. Never get me started on Spielberg movies (the real reason I only watched the first episode of Dawson's Creek). It's a testament to how awesome I thought the series Slings & Arrows was, that I enjoyed it despite the recurring This Is A Moment of Transcendent Artistic Value music. /rant

( In other news, I've just survived a 4 day maternal visit. )

Lately my brain has been busy with thoughts on aging, models for educational reform, my old job and friends, shame and acceptance, sustainability and the economy, my inability to deal with men, and the joy of dealing with kids. I thought I was going to try to wrestle with one of those topics here. But no...

It's time for bed because tomorrow I drive the kids to school. It's a beautiful drive along the rocky Atlantic coast. We always listen to music in the car and sometimes sing along. The kids seem younger early in the morning. I usually get back in time to walk the dog with my sister.

I thought writer's block was supposed to happen to writers. All I need to do is put words together in a mildly coherent fashion so I can turn in my homework. But I look at the blinking cursor and I think pixels! and go off on a digital-graphic tangent that leads me into a bright tangle of thoughts and ends somehow with me playing that silly flash game with the coffee. Many sold cups of coffee later I snap back, and I type a few words, but the cursor is still there. And this time I think cursor/curser, not a homonym, a homophone, and I can't remember the last time I checked the voicemail on my phone [guilt]. Ooh look, I got a higher score this time.
My brain must be avoiding something.
So I'm making myself write here instead. It's been a long time since I did. I moved into a new place, I have trouble letting myself occupy space, and this here is my (virtual) space too. A post is like hammering a hole in the wall, it's something that happens solely because I will it. Don't know why that's so taxing to me but it is.
In general I'm very happy with the move, and I could tell cute stories but I don't feel like it. My eyes are dry and the cursor, like the moon, moves with my gaze.
I'll try again tomorrow. Heh. That reminded me of a wonderful bit of advice I read on someone else's LJ. She said to reboot whenever necessary on those days that just don't happen. Begin the morning routine again and see if it takes this time. I should do that. But at 1 am perhaps I'd better wait for actual morning.
I'll just play one more game.

I'm picking up a moving truck today at noon. My room is emptied enough that the acoustics in there have changed. The larger wavelengths have room to resonate so the timbre of my voice sounds deeper. Most of the house is an obstacle course from all the piled boxes and I ran out of packing tape a couple of hours ago. I'm surprised at the amount of stuff I have. Some of it I just inherited from my last household since I was the only one not fleeing the country so I'm not particularly attached to it. I had to ask my Wonderful (soon to be ex-!) Roommie to tell me what kitchen stuff was mine because I had no idea. I think one of the living room lamps belongs to me but I don't know which. I do recognize one lampshade. I got it on State Street in Madison, WI. I don't really like owning stuff, but I do get pleasure from buying the occasional random lampshade or pink boots. There are also a few bowls I wouldn't want to leave behind. With the exception of mac products my tastes are fairly simple (I want a laptop upgrade).
The flip side of my particular flavor of detachment is that I have no idea how to use stuff to create my own space. It's not just that I don't furnish or decorate, I have trouble occupying space. On bad days it makes me try to be invisible. It's daunting to think that I'm setting up my own place, a blank slate. So far all I've got is I want a hammock indoors. I have the first floor apartment in my sister and brother-in-law's house. I was reluctant to move, among other things, because I know I don't do well on my own. But the bro-in-law (I need an acronym, BroiL? heh) presented the situation as having my own space on the first floor, shared family space on the 2nd floor and their own sanctuary in the attic. He had me at family. :D
Change is scary. I need coffee.

The inauguration is just starting and I'm already bouncing (and tearing up a little)!
( silly play by play )

I just finished collecting my laundry from the clothesline. It smells wonderful. I'm wearing a still-wet bathing suit and waiting for my turn in the shower to get the fine layer of sea salt off me. I'm also trying really hard to remember a bunch of things that I want to tell my dad, ideas that I've had since our last conversation about Life, the Universe and Everything from a half hour ago (e.g. how do we react emotionally to external stimuli before the visual information is processed?).
Life has been strange lately. I finished my first term in an Education graduate program. I did really well in two classes and got an incomplete in a third. I decided to move to Salem to live with/adjacent to my sister and her family. At about 11 pm last Thursday I bought a plane ticket to come to Puerto Rico at 7 am the next day. My BFF was also here so we spent a few days together. She left for Spain yesterday (where she lives) and I'm now spending quality time with my dad and going to the beach.
I'll go back to the cold and the packing in a few days. I feel like I'm approaching a major bend in the road and I've no idea what life will be like by the end of the month. But right now I'm here and I think I'm happy and it's time to shower.

+ The last google search I did was "squirrel nest build".
+ I've grown addicted to The West Wing again.
+ I don't know how to do bullets in html.
+ Saw the movie Doubt recently and really enjoyed it. Meryl Streep seemed to be channeling the principal of my old school. That was one scary nun. She walked completely soundlessly in her Ninja Nun Shoes. *shivers*
+ Stupidly Unfortunately spent a few days without my anxiety meds while at my mom's house. Big mistake. Have surely reduced my life expectancy from the strain.
+ Have been thinking a lot... about the nature of mental illness, about my philosophy of education, about sustainability and lack thereof in the global economy, about learning to articulate my opinions, and the need for me to figure out what they are before I can articulate them.
+ Have started multiple entries here in the last few weeks but I just walk away from them.
+ I'm making a blanket. I was originally inspired by a crocheted pattern for the tv color bars that used to come on at night. So I'm doing that, except I decided to knit instead. I like the sounds that knitting needles make. Then I decided to change some of the colors. The result will be a surprise (and a long time coming). I can't follow recipes either. It's a thing.
+ I need to make decisions about moving or not, and job hunts and... *hyperventilates*
+ My mom gave me a pocket-sized book called The better world shopping guide and I've been consulting it constantly. I'm going to have to change my brand of Feminine Products! *clutches pearls*
+ I heard there's a Donnie Darko related movie coming out. It's the story of the younger sister, 7 years later.
+ I covet my sister's iPhone. a little.
+ I'm sleepy now.

Good night!

Emerson: I guess my glass is half full on this one.
Ned: Generally speaking, I would say you don't even have a glass. You just have a wet ring on the coffee table where the glass used to be.

Am so moody right now, I just watched a Russian film about a Russian orphan in a Russian orphanage and I found the experience oddly comforting.

I just stood in my kitchen trying to figure out what to cook that would not require onions (we're out), when I realized I haven't had coffee today. That might explain the headache. I'm so forgetful lately it's ridiculous. A couple of days ago my Wonderful Roommie walked into the room while I was getting clothes out of the washing machine. Her presence reminded me that I had left the living room to get my meds, when I got up I'd realized I had to go to the bathroom, when I got to the bathroom I noticed we needed toilet paper so I went to fetch the toilet paper over by the washing machine that I'd run hours ago. Now I have coffee but I still have no dinner. There's also a tiara sitting next to me that I accidentally fetched on my way to get my ipod. Seriously.

Also, Happy Birthday kimonkey7! Hope this year is better and brighter than ever. XD

I'd say something clever about your cake being in the oven, but you know what I'm talking about. ;D