There's a fine layer of yellow pollen on everything outside. It makes the world look dusty and oddly dull under the bright, bright sun and clear sky; well, not everything, just the stationary objects. It feels like a new photoshop effect, Crisp Mammals.
Indoors looks normal enough. There's a couple of couches, a dog curled up in what was clean laundry, the politically correct world map (proper surface area scale) and the scary-looking shadow that the jade plant projects on the wall. There's also me. I can see my belly protruding a little farther than it did a few months ago. I did a bit of stress eating while I was finishing up my student teaching and portfolio, and then I did some stress eating while I started to face what to do with my future. No nutella was safe. I'm not sure whether I'm done yet.
Right now I'm putting together job applications. Just last week a few positions sprang up in my general vicinity and I'm excited about getting back to teaching. Apprehensive, too. It's all taking longer than I thought it would, gathering transcripts and writing letters. It doesn't help that I feel like my time is never my own. It's an understandable side effect of being unemployed, that everyone assumes I'm free to do whatever they want me to do. For the most part I'm happy to help, I'm healthier when I'm busy. Lately I've been helping my mother look for a new place to live. She's moving to be near my sister and me now that she's retired. So I'm also dealing with the whole box of crazy that my mother inspires.
I'm supposed to be practicing/ learning mindfulness (I know how contradictory this sentence is). There's a lot about it that resonates with me, intellectually and emotionally. I can see it becoming a powerful ally, or a fundamental muscle. There's a layer of peace that I experience alongside all the anxiety that is closely related to acceptance. I've just never learned to focus that peace inward. Even the thought of it makes me short circuit a little. Acceptance of me? Hmmmmm...